just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther
Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These
people have all been known to kick ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC,
Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing
otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,
Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally
a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll
kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex,
Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do,
sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke,
Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick
your ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett
up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of
Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the
carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell
up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your
ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't
put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you
will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we
don't give a damn. Many of us have visited Northern hell holes like
Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you
don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home
before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand
what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are
saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your
ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR
lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR
scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back into Boston
Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am,"
hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because
such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around
our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners
into your ass just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in
smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun
of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell
us how to cook Barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after
it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question
our sacred BBQ, and you go home in a pine box - minus your kicked ass.
On Sep 5, 10:09 pm, Travis <baconl...@gmail.com> wrote:
> ** **
>
> *31 Things you will never hear a Southern Boy say*****
>
> 31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.
> 30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
> 29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
> 28. Duct tape won't fix that.
> 27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
> 26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
> 25. You can't feed that to the dog.
> 24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
> 23. Wrestling is fake.
> 22. We're vegetarians.
> 21. Do you think my gut is too big?
> 20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
> 19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
> 18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
> 17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
> 16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
> 15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
> 14. Trim the fat off that steak.
> 13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
> 12. The tires on that truck are too big.
> 11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
> 10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
> 9. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
> 8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
> 7. Checkmate
> 6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
> 5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
> 4. I don't have a favorite college team.
> 3. You Guys.
> 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
> AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
> 1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving! ****
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