Big Book of Bird Brains.

[[ Let me know if the pics don't come through.]]

Subject: Big Book of Bird Brains

 

 

Species: The Downy Gorepecker (Fatuous Bastardus)

Habitat: Private Jets, Humongous Houseboats, Gigantic Mansions, Hollywood Buttocks.

Voice: In flight a screeching trill evocative of a pithed frog gargling ground glass. When at rest stunned "no press" silence, but the empty knocking of the head on tree trunks can be heard wherever Climategate emails are read.

Diet: Feeds on aging hippies, gullible econazis and other small insects.

Range: Once global but lately confined to a small section of his basement where the splotched draft pages of his magnum opus, "I, Gore" line the floor.

Species: Plug-Headed Dodo (Gaffis Bidonius)

Habitat: Motorcades, empty stadiums, waiting rooms.

Voice: Imagine a chimpanzee talking through a snorkel. Make it louder.

Diet: Crow.

Range: Can be found without warning anywhere except the Oval Office.

Species: Rat Faced Loon (Humongus Nostrilus)

Habitat: Nests frequently found in pockets of Big Pharma and Dreamworks.

Voice: Flatulent.

Diet: Flatulence.

Range: Migrates between House of Representatives cloakroom and homeless shelters in Southern California.

Species: Red Robbin' (Screwuvious Obamanationis)

Habitat: Constantly aloft but similar to that of the Bower Bird.

Voice: Hybrid of JFK, MLK, Ice-T.

Diet: American taxpayer.

Range: Global (with the exception of the Oval Office).

Species: Lame Ducks (Dumbius and Dumberus)

Habitat: Foggy Bottom, Avenue K.

Voice: Squawks, shrieks, can be lured with Palin duck call.

Diet: Coprophagic.

Range: If led slightly can be brought down with double-ought buck

.

Species: Massive Bill Vulture (Scumsukingus Pigus)

Habitat: Casinos, union halls, and wherever fine graft is served

Voice: The faint susurration common to all fork-tongued reptiles. Amplified.

Diet: Livers of American children yet unborn.

Range: Assisted living facilities from Georgetown to Reno.

Species: Yellow Bellied Tax Sucker (Fellationitus Hagnonymous)

Habitat: Your wallet.

Voice: Your ex. Yes, that one.

Diet: Botox.

Range: Soon to be limited by commercial aviation.

Species: Scowl (Flotus Dementis)

Habitat: Throne

Voice: The man behind the curtain. (Pay no attention.)

Diet: All your Twinkies belong to us.

Range: Hawaiian beaches to the Costa del Sol

.

Species: Domician Condo (Lyintous Diddendoit)

Habitat: House of Representatives doghouse.

Voice: A living insult to Martin Luther King.

Diet: Pre and post tax income.

Range: Harlem to Dominican Republic.

Species: Gutless Parrot (Slobberina Droolcuptin)

Habitat: White House Meet the Depressed Room

Voice: Of "Truth"

Diet: Presidential droppings.

Range: Potentially from A to Z but stopping at B

.

Species: Pink Flim-Flamingo (Silverdadin Twinkus)

Habitat: The Anvil. The Ramrod. The Basement.

Voice: Borrowed from Elmer Fudd in 1962. Never returned.

Diet: Don't ask. Don't tell.

Range: Medium to high falsetto. Depending on stimulation.

 

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