> Growing up in North Dakota in an environment abundant with oceans of
> wheat, vast plains, rolling hills, and wonderful people, it's hard to
> believe that such a tumultuous journey could lie ahead in a young
> man's life.
> To each outcast, in every sense possible, this piece is for you.
>
> In a quiet community of roughly 1,000 residents, I lived a fairly
> "normal" existence. Worshiping in my hometown church, participating in
> community events, and riding my bike everywhere until dusk was part of
> everyday life. But dark clouds gathered in the distance of my sky, and
> I had no idea a "perfect storm" would soon begin my Stepford-like
> existence.
>
> For the first 16 years of my life, I was exposed to emotional trauma
> at home and bullying and teasing in school, and I became very good at
> trying to make everyone happy. I wore many hats when tackling my
> ever-changing surroundings. My mother always instilled in me that
> there was nothing I couldn't do. I was always encouraged. Sure, my
> parents pushed for solid academics, but like all parents, they wanted
> me to succeed. I embraced being respectful to everyone I was
> surrounded by and used humor to attract attention in an attempt to
> separate myself from my insecurities.
>
> I played every sport possible and was even named "Senior Athlete of
> the Year." However, this "jock" was nervous, hated his looks, and was
> forced into internal seclusion despite his outward demeanor. I never
> realized I was struggling. Everything I was feeling, good, bad, or
> otherwise, was simply pushed down and nearly unnoticeable.
>
> Fortunately, I was introduced to faith, true faith, during my teen
> years and embraced all it had to offer. The Lord took my heart at the
> age of 18 and never let it go. I'll never blame my faith for obstacles
> I've endured. In fact, it's what keeps me going through the most
> difficult of times.
>
> Staring at myself in a mirror, I internalized my shame, guilt, and
> insecurities. I believed my appearance defined my existence. The
> perfect grades, the perfect body, and appearing flawless would somehow
> make me complete. I've learned, though, that we aren't mean to be
> "perfect"; we're meant to be whole.
>
> College is everyone's opportunity to be free, thrive on their own, and
> separate from their roots, right? Well, with no idea of where life
> would take me, I spiraled into an addiction to exercise, paired with
> anorexia -- aka "eating disorder not otherwise specified," or EDNOS.
>
> Yes. I'm a guy with an eating disorder, a jock, a Christian... and
> gay. One of the major contributors to my illness was the internal
> fight where faith was my guide and being gay was incredibly wrong.
> However, I could never simply throw it away and believe that's why
> I've struggled for so long.
>
> In an appearance on Dr. Phil in 2009, I sought help and endured six
> months of residential treatment to begin my recovery. I addressed
> emotional trauma, my parents' divorce, perfectionism, self-hate,
> bullying, and family alcoholism. However, throughout that time, and
> even the year after, I never addressed the internalized homophobia
> that manifested out of my desire to please God. Contrary to popular
> belief, eating disorders aren't about looking good. Through extreme
> exercise and trying to control what I could, the physical, I nearly
> killed myself, twice, by pushing my body to the brink, enduring
> self-punishment and starvation.
>
> I've drawn my own conclusions about the responses I'll receive
> concerning my sexuality: avoidance, hatred, acknowledgment, and pity.
> Just FYI, I'll take any of those responses but pity. It's taken so
> long to be where I am and to find my voice, so I'll never regret the
> journey here.
>
> Telling a few loved ones that I'm gay has been interesting, but most
> people who know me are learning this for the first time as they read
> this piece. Aug. 31, 2010 was a first step. On that day I received the
> craziest response: acceptance. That's the response I'd feared. Odd,
> right? Even more terrifying, though, was that that person had
> "wondered" about my sexuality for some time.
>
> Damn it.
>
> I thought, "Had all my personal hell and pain in silence been for
> nothing?" I mean, my entire belief system wanted rejection and
> ostracism; it's what I deserved for being "wrong." After all, I fought
> for 22 years by myself and tried two years of traditional and
> Christian counseling to change. If the Lord didn't love me, who would?
>
> You see, I knew I was "different" by age 5. In that small community, I
> remember leaving the yard against my mother's instructions, stopping
> next to a fire hydrant about a block from home, looking up at the sky,
> talking to God, and asking Him for a boyfriend. I look back with two
> contrasting views: first, what an incredibly pure and even "cute"
> third-person memory of a boy praying to God innocently, but second,
> this may have been the beginning of the shame I've always carried.
>
> On my knees I cried and prayed for God to take it away, to take me
> away. I even prayed for a sign that would tell me that this was what
> I'd have to carry by age 16. Needless to say, that age came and went.
>
> The movie Prayers for Bobby really hit home. Because of my incredible
> faith and hope for acceptance, I imagined the mother and son as a
> single unit, fighting for what was "right." Growing up with direct and
> indirect messages that you're part of the moral decline of society is
> rough. I'll never forget being told that God hates me or that I should
> be isolated on an island.
>
> Self-hatred is nothing but a disease. Even if a small amount thrives
> within, life doesn't have to throw much our way to bring down all the
> good for which we've worked so hard.
>
> My biggest challenge now lies in societal assumptions. I'm not a label
> or stereotype, and I refuse to be generalized. I'm still that
> respectful young man from home, not because I'm gay, but because I'm
> me. I don't emulate many of the caricatures of LGBT individuals in the
> media. And, yes, I'm still Christian. It's not internalized
> heterosexism when I say that my sexuality doesn't define me any more
> than my eating disorder does. As a culture, we need to move beyond
> limiting beliefs and one-dimensional labels that take away from the
> amazing individuals we actually are.
>
> In my fight to end eating disorders, I've spoken to thousands through
> advocacy with the National Eating Disorders Association, NORMAL in
> Schools, Inc., the National Association of Males with Eating
> Disorders, MentorConnect, PBS' This Emotional Life, and those working
> legislatively to ensure a healthy environment for all. But before
> today, I never mentioned my sexuality. I've always thought that
> people, specifically men, have enough stigma when it comes to eating
> disorders. From being told it's a "woman's-only issue" to being called
> "weak," stigma prevents too many from seeking the help they deserve.
> Why feed into the erroneous belief that everyone with an eating
> disorder is gay? Not all people who have eating disorders are gay;
> that fact should be pointed out. However, a large portion of the LGBT
> community is plagued by this illness, stemming from non-acceptance,
> self-hate, and feelings of unworthiness that must be addressed before
> one more person is lost. I won't participate in the social structure
> that denies anyone's opportunity to survive.
>
> To those individuals in my past who've thrown at me the words "p*ssy,"
> "f*ggot," or anything of the like, yes, I remember your names, faces,
> and words, but I have to ask, "Are you happy now?" You may have been
> correct in your assumptions concerning my sexuality, but you were very
> wrong in estimating my resilience in recovery and my perseverance to
> eventually stand on my own.
>
> I've had many mentors during the course of my life, and I pray that I
> don't lose their respect. I'm the same individual I was 10 seconds
> before they clicked this link. That said, if they turn away, it will
> be my turn to take their place and become another's ally.
>
> I now embrace everything that's come to pass. I'm here for a reason. A
> heart attack and organ failure resulting from an eating disorder,
> partly fueled by internalized homophobia, nearly killed me, twice.
> Being alive is God's way of saying He isn't finished with me yet. I
> want to help find the gray in a society where black and white
> dominate. Life isn't black and white, and the experiences we endure
> help shape who we become. Fear is a major obstacle, and there's
> advantage in being confident enough in your own opinions to educate
> yourself without abandoning what you deeply believe.
>
> It's been said that man's greatest moment in life is when he finds out
> who he truly is. Well, I'll admit that I'm still searching. Perhaps
> not knowing is the greatest part? Rosie O'Donnell said she never knew
> how liberating being open is. Well, here's to you, kiddo.
>
> My hope is that society can look at the real me. Don't assume a label
> or jump to the physical. Rather, remember that I've done something. I
> dedicated my existence to serving others, helping youth, using my past
> to improve others' future. I want my parents to know that they did
> well, and I want my family to believe that they helped this man
> survive.
>
> I want to write a book, become an ambassador and a motivational
> speaker, and make certain everyone knows there's always hope. I want
> to change the world.
>
> My struggle has been difficult but worth it. I've believe there's
> something powerful about saying, "I finally shared my secret. It was
> no longer mine to keep." I'd encourage everyone to discover what it
> truly means to feel worth it -- just as you are.
>
> More:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/troy-roness/coming-out_b_1285136.html >
> --
> Together, we can change the world, one mind at a time.
> Have a great day,
> Tommy
>
> --
> Together, we can change the world, one mind at a time.
> Have a great day,
> Tommy
--
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