Liberals are so smart... NOT
His wife was screaming at him: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So he turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"
~
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.
She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.
A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog.
A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog.
She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady,
"That smells like crap."
The little old lady said, "It is, I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."
~
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. Upon hearing this news the local paper posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The Bishop was buried the next day.
~
A blonde woman is taking flying lessons when suddenly the pilot has a heart attack and dies.
She, frantic, calls out a May Day on the radio. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio....
"Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven. . . .."
Feel free to add your own - you know the rules
Happy Friday
~ Hardnox
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