A REDNECK was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
Twenty dollars' she whispers. Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks so they hide in the bushes.
They're 'engaged' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' Asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife!' Bubba answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'
'Well, neither did I, till ya shined that damn light in her face!
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*Bran Muffins*
A couple were both 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to live a good life because they watched their pennies. Though not young as they would like, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise during the last several decades.
One day, their good health could not save them, when they went on a rare vacation and they were both killed in a terrible auto accident, sending them off to Heaven.
As they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and there he saw a beautiful championship golf course, better then anything he had seen on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied, "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man, "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?," he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied, "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man then ask, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or.." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your f*ckin' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
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*Love Story*
A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,…… let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!….. That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. ….'Get your own damn blanket.'
After a moment of silence, ….he farted.
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*Gas*
I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
It was then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
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*A Miranda Joke*
(What my hubby calls all Blonde Jokes)
One winter morning a husband and wife in Northern Wisconsin were listening tothe radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We areexpecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
~Steve~ A Big H/T To our Miss Miranda
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