New Feminist Group Pushes For Uglier Women
An IITO member hangs out at a local NOW rally to obtain signatures for their cause.
BEAVERTON, Ore. (CAP) - In what is being hailed as a brilliant strategic maneuver, the National Organization for Women announced today that it has joined forces with two of the world's most influential feminist groups.
After investing several years of research into what they should bitch about next, the iconic feminist organization has aligned its efforts with the Freudian Center For The Uptight, Bitter And Frigid as well as the Association For The Advancement Of Battery Operated Stuff.
Thanks in part to a financial contribution from the woman's apparel giant, Lane Bryant, the individual groups have finally come together to form the International Institute For Testicular Oppression (IITO).
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According to the organization's spokesperson, Gabby Nobles, the IITO's first order of business will be an unprecedented attack on the advertising industry. Speaking before an energized crowd of unshaven, flannel-clad women and a handful of reporters, Nobles defined the group's mission.
"In a highly aggressive campaign, the IITO will expose companies whose advertisements portray women as sexual objects," said Nobles. "Including nonsexual objects, heterosexual objects, and objects with headaches."
When asked to clarify, Nobles rolled her eyes and huffed. "Basically, in a series of overreaching, paranoid accusations, the IITO intends to demonize companies that depict women as attractive females," she said.
"Particularly straight attractive females," she continued.
"With BMI's of less than forty," she continued to continue. "Who are portrayed in stereotypical roles such as housewives, soccer moms, teachers, secretaries, cheerleaders, Hooters girls, and/or dental hygienists."
Nobles' response drew immediate criticism. Audience member, Karen Johnson-Strapp, a crane operator from Asheville, NC, was among the first to speak up. "[Nobles] missed at least two-dozen female stereotypes," said Johnson-Strapp. "Including bad drivers, wet nurses, good fairies, muses, mermaids, fluffers, nuns, strippers, hookers, wenches, and crack-whores."
The organization has since apologized for Nobles' omissions, promising to make a complete list of stereotypes available on their website later today.
As news of the feminist crusade rippled across the nation, manufacturers and retailers are responding in kind - announcing immediate overhauls in their advertising campaigns and abandoning the use of even remotely attractive female models.
"Advertisers are taking the IITO's threats very seriously," said marketing executive, Karl Glover as he passed out pink-slips to each of the agency's hard-bodied promotional models. "The time has come to lower society's expectations and reduce erectile frequency. Therefore, effective today, this agency will only do promotions for bunion pads, tweezers and Mini Coopers."
Jenni-Lynn Loveless, spokesmodel for renowned Brazilan wax-maker Enrique Avila, was among the first to be let go. "These lowered expectations are almost impossible to achieve," she said with tears in her eyes. "According to the new guidelines, models can't be prettier than Sandra Bernhard, thinner than Queen Latifah, or straighter than Elena Kagan.
"I mean, that's like being beaten with an ugly stick, a turkey leg, and a softball bat - all at the same time," Loveless added.
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FROM THE VAULT
July 17, 2009
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