Doctor Ben Carson Discovers Medical Link Between Liberals And Limited Brain Activity
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Baltimore, MD—Medical science can now deliver undisputable proof that liberals show limited to no brain activity, a concept that conservatives have long embraced. And thanks to Dr. Benjamin Carson, Director of the Division of Pediatric Neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins, a medical link has been determined through scientific research and good old fashioned hard work.
Dr. Carson's chief areas of focus are traumatic brain injuries, brain and spinal cord tumors, achondroplasia, neurological and congenital disorders, craniosynastosis, epilepsy and trigeminal neuralgia. Dr. Carson's expertise was sought out after many neurosurgeons across America have failed to make any connection between liberals and brain activity.
Since Barack Obama's election, Dr. Carson has been hard at work to find the specific area of the brain that is damaged. During that time, he has always maintained that "liberals have shown little brain activity," resulting in bitter disappointments, feeling that hundreds of thousands of children will grow up untreated from years of public education. However, his hard work may finally be rewarded.
According to Dr. Carson, it appears that liberals suffer from limited or no brain activity in the left and right hemispheres of the brain. "The left hemisphere of the brain is where logic is processed," detailed Carson. "The right area of the brain is where the big picture is processed. This means that one may see the end result, but have no clue about how to get there. This, unfortunately, is a common problem for Democrat politicians, public school teachers and union administrators."
Evidence Of Liberal Brain Damage
Dr. Carson goes on to add that "liberalism damages an equal amount of brain tissue in both hemispheres," and that "removal of the entire brain may be the only way to save the adult liberal." "There is hope for children," argued Carson. "We have actually seen results from parents that force their children to listen to Rush Limbaugh for three hours a day. Their cognitive functions improved drastically, and evidence of the synapses firing was shown in pictures of the brain. It was utterly astounding! In this case, it is in the best interest of the public educated children that you have an MRI done on their brain today. If left untreated, simple things such as bathing, proper use of bathroom facilities and voting will likely elude them. This is not a guarantee, but I believe that a total removal of the brain may be the only way to save adults like Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi. Please, let's leave no child behind."
Dr. Carson goes on to explain that his experiments showed that adults who watched MSNBC, CNN, ABC, NBC and CBS showed a dramatic reduction of brain activity, and those who watched FOX News and listened to Rush Limbaugh showed that they had some of the finest minds in America.
"For liberals, it's almost as if someone has taken a knife and carved out the center of the brain," declared Carson. "Don't let this happen to your child. Seek medical help immediately if your child starts telling you things like: 'we must save the planet, mommy,' or 'the public option for healthcare is a good thing, daddy.'"
If you suspect that you work with a liberal, Dr. Carson advises us that some of the signs include walking around with dead eyes, not knowing what to do, not caring, urinating or defecating on themselves and out of nowhere, screaming, "It's Bush's fault!" If these symptoms are present, call the Center for Liberal Brain Removal as soon as possible and keep America safe.
Experts agree that a brain removal, though drastic, may indeed be the only way to save America from liberalism, stating, "That a person as a vegetable has far more substantial thought patterns than a liberal does."
"At last," exclaimed Mark Levin. "This finally explains Barack Obama."
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